I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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