My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
