she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
