She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
