the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
