i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
