Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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