I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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