thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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