true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
