He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
