On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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