my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've blown a few things in my day
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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