he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
