Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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