So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
