If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
