just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
