My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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