Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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