You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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