She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
