I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
