I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
