Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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