i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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