a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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