Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
