a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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