He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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