epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
