im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
we're so committed to being not committed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
