apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You took a bar mat shot.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
