I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
