My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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