i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
