now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
