me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
