Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
