Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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