dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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