do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just had sex on a roof
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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