Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
