did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
