He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
