So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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