I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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