I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
