The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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