I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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