I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
