so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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